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Frasier: I have a built in mental clock. When I was a child, when we played hide and seek, I was the only one who didn't have to say 'one hippopotamus, two hippopotamus . . .'

Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.

Frasier: I'm not chicken. I'm just really hesitant.

Frasier: I'm at a loss for words.
Kate: Wouldn't you know? On the day I'm leaving.

Daphne: There's nothing more exciting than a first date. All those questions which people ask. What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? If you could come back as any animal, what would it be and why? If you were asked that, what would you say?
Frasier: 'Check please' comes to mind.

Frasier: The minute that door closed I started praying something bad would happen to your plane.

Niles: It's absolutely breathtaking. I'm breathless . . . I need to take a breath.

Daphne: Feeling a bit lonely are we?
Niles: Only when I'm by myself or when I'm with other people.

Martin: Well, those guys at the park make it look like so much fun. Eating baloney sandwiches, smoking cigars, sometimes even a fist fight breaks out.
Frasier: Well, let's start with name-calling and see where it leads.

Martin: . . . and when I trapped your horse in the right corner.
Frasier: Let's call it a night, shall we?
Martin: Okay, when I trapped your knight in the corner.
Frasier: No, let's call it a night dad.

Frasier: So are you suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me no pleasure at all just to hear the words I love you?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Niles: My brother has impeccable taste in wine.
Frasier: Why, thank you, Niles.
Niles: It comes from all those years he was shacked up with a barmaid.

Frasier: You know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
Niles: I imagine it would be, but lets stick to attainable goals!

Niles: For example, did you know this very lake is 89 meters deep and boasts 50 varieties of fish!
Frasier: Oh, Alex, I'll take bodies of water for $500.

Niles: I do love Maris. Why, the other week I kissed her for absolutely no reason at all!

Frasier: I never thought I'd end up yearning for the Bed and Bass!

Frasier: He's not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.

Niles: Call me Ishmael!

Niles (holding his taped-up flour sack): I accidentally ran him through.

Martin: Remember when we turned off the highway? Well, right down from there is the Bed and Bass Motel!
Frasier: Bed and Bass–ah yes, one of the finer fish-themed motels!

Niles: I really am king of the ninnies aren't I?

Niles: I dreamt someone kidnapped my baby and they kept sending me muffins in the mail.

Frasier: Ah, Niles! Look at you! Now are you sure you're going to be warm enough?
Niles: No problem there, I dressed in layers: Polo, Eddie Bauer, and Timberland!
Frasier: You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd!

Frasier (to member of the Empire Club about Niles): You'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

Niles: Maris can't produce saliva, you see.

Niles: I had no idea how much I liked fishing until I realized all the shopping involved.

Niles: ...She's lying down on all the coats in the bedroom. Maris tires easily under the pressure of being interesting.

Frasier: (looks at watch)
Martin: I saw that!
Frasier: I'm not bored, I was simply wondering how long we've been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

Niles: Dad, did you know that Lake Nomohegan was formed by the retreat of several glaciers during the Cenezoic Era?
Fraiser: Which, coincidentally, is the last time anyone caught a fish in it!

Frasier (in reference to his gay boss): ...I can't understand how he would think that. We only talked about the theatre and fashion...Oh Dear God!

Roz: Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
Frasier: Question asked, question answered.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, shame on you! You got icing up and down your sleeve.
Niles: Oh, I am a naughty boy.
Daphne: Well, a messy one, anyway.
Niles: But mostly a naughty one.

Martin: What about her?
Frasier: No, that's not Maureen.
Martin: No, what about her?

Martin: She came on to me.
Niles: No. You? Was she drunk?

Martin: I guess I was kind of charming. I couldn't help it. It just sort of leaked out.

Frasier: I'm at the lowest point. Tell me the truth.
Martin: She asked me out.
Frasier: Going down.

Martin: Your mother and I didn't pay that much for our first house!
Niles: I know. I lived there.

Roz: You spend money like a drunken sailor!
Niles: She said authoritatively.

Niles: I asked the neighbors if they'd seen any strange cars in the neighborhood. One reported seeing a minivan? But that was a couple of weeks ago.

Niles: And even I was angry. What do you expect me to do?
Frasier: Let it out!
Niles: I am! I'm getting hives!

Daphne: You promised that after we did the deed, you'd be on your merry way!

Frasier: Friends of yours?
Niles: Filthy rich. Timber money. In their case, it really does grow on trees.

Niles: You'll see who feels foolish when I'm sitting on a mechanical bull sipping champagne.

Diane: After the rambling beach house I've been in, I'm ready for something simple.

Fraiser: Which theater?
Diane: Oh, The Roundabout.
Martin: That seems appropriate.

Daphne: That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.

Niles: So are you in love with her?
Frasier: No, of course not.
Niles: Well, seeing as how I have no where to write down 'classic denial,' I'll move on.

Frasier: He'll be discussing his new book, 'Bunions and Blisters and Pores, Oh, my!'

Niles: She never liked going anywhere alone....except to bed.

Martin: Oh, you have lots of girlfriends.
Niles: Oh, let's count. Maris. There's Doris, my pen pal in 4th grade. Then there's that girl who lured me to the stairwell to show me her underpants.

Daphne: What's she like?
Niles: Well, she's very happy and there are those rumors surrounding her husband's death, but a date's a date!

Niles: This is boring, yet difficult.

Niles: Daphne, there's something I have to tell you.
Daphne: Yeah?
Niles: I'm a dancer. A dancer dances!

Martin: Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in your toaster.
Niles: Well, my muffin's burnt.

Martin: I invited her down to the corner bar.
Niles: Coroners have their own bar?
Martin: No, Niles! Corner bar!

Daphne: I'm on cloud nine.
Niles: I've had to look down to see cloud nine.

Daphne: Our bodies must be in continuous contact, without a sliver of daylight between us.
Niles: I can do that.

Elliot: I'm 43.
Frasier: Be truthful.
Elliot: I'm 43.

Frasier: Maybe he's married, or maybe he's gay, or maybe he's actually there to watch a football game and not cruise to catch chicks.

Martin: He never begs when I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin: Trust me, he's not picky. I've seen him eat a beetle.

Niles: Well, yes, I can take my shirt off.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: Maris seems to be getting aroused by the manual labor. Maris, I'm holding a wrench in my hand.
Frasier: Oh, give me that. Maris, Niles has to go now. Never mind what I'm wearing.

Niles: The plumber has been called, the wine is chilled, suddenly my life is right again.

Frasier: You're not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

Bully: Were you the kid who carried his gym shorts in an attaché?
Niles: It was a valise.

Martin: So, what'd he do to you?
Frasier: Absolutely nothing.
Martin: You paid him off, huh?
Fraiser: I've never written a check faster in my life.

Frasier: I can go out with Niles and know what he's thinking even before he says it!
Niles: Well, I'm glad you didn't hear that.

Frasier: Can't we get an unlisted number?
Roz: They sort of frown on that on call-in shows.

Fraiser: You've broken up with a lot of people, what do you say to them?
Roz: I love you and I want to have your baby.

Frasier: Dad, what in the world were you thinking letting Eddie off his leash? You've seen the way he's tried to romance my towel warmer!

Frasier: I thought that Eddie had been fixed.
Martin: Hey, all you had to do was look.
Frasier: I'm proud to say I've never been that bored.

Daphne: The third date might carry a certain significance to you Americans, but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.

Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family.

Niles: I hate lawyers, too, Frasier, but they do make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.

Frasier: What's the name of that really vicious lawyer you used?
Niles: Which one? The one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: That would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

Roz: I once had a boyfriend take me out to a bar and we pretended that we were strangers picking each other up. That was kind of hot. We had so much fun, we tried it agian. Only that time he got so into it, he went home with another woman.

Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz: I get dressed and go home.

Frasier: Think about it, Niles. What's the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.

Niles: Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time and the restaurant lost a whole star.

Frasier: Oh, get a grip, Niles! I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted for yourself about your future with Daphne. I suspect it involves a comet hitting the earth and the two of you having to rebuild the species, but trust me, it's not going to happen.

Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: For God's sake, why not just lather her up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Roz: Excuse me, but these are guys I've dated.
Niles: Where do you think I came up with the analogy?

Frasier: There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

Martin: You've been awfully quiet there.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad.
Martin: No, no, don't apologize. It was a compliment.

Frasier: I know how bleak things can look. I remember once in Boston feeling exactly the way you do now, and the very next week I met a lovely, if somewhat loquacious, barmaid, fell madly in love, and got engaged. Of course, she left me at the altar, but the point is I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith....who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

Daphne: I'm feeling a bit blue about my love life.
Frasier: Really? Have you been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.

Niles: I'm learning to be handy. I finally decided I'm too dependent on other people, so I started "doing it myself." And let me tell you, I'm a totally new man. I bought my first work shirt this morning, and tonight I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.

Martin: The disposal's jammed. You want to stick your hand down there and see what's stuck?
Niles: Dad, it's me. Niles.

Roz: Not everyone likes dogs. Take me. I'm a cat person. I mean, it's not like I'd ever buy a cat mug or a cat calendar, but I had a cat when I was growing up. We were practically inseparable. "Muffles" or "Scruffles." Something like that.

Frasier: It's possible that there's a dog person inside of you who's just dying to get out. Maybe a puppy will awaken you maternal instincts.
Roz: Sorry. I had them surgically removed.

Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just talk to Maris. Tell her you erred in not acknowledging her birthday. She's obviously a little touchy about her age, but it's not like this is the first time she's turned forty.

Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae. She'd snap like a twig.

Martin: I used to think there was some sort of mix-up at the hospital when Frasier was born. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

Niles: I'm afraid of what the humidity might do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles. That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals.

Niles: The fish won't see me coming!
Daphne: The salesman sure did.

Daphne: Do you see where I'm going?
Frasier: Insane?

Frasier: You refused to take me to see West Side Story on my 8th birthday.
Marty: Because of the gangs! Those would be scary to any kid!
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Marty: Especially gangs that dance!

Frasier: Just don't think about sex.
Daphne: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?

Roz: How would you feel if you lost the love of your life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I thought it rather nice.

Niles: I figured out a way I can have sex and we're all happy.
Frasier: As I check to make sure the 'On Air' sign is off.

Roz: I once dated a guy wanted by the police.
Niles: Notice the complete lapse of gasps around the room.

Niles: That weasel line. Ouch. Touché.
Roz: You're more annoying when you grovel.
Niles: Zing! Got me again!

Jerome: Your wife sounds like a carefree lady.
Frasier: Oh, yes, she's ounces of fun.

Niles: Yes, I feel a tingling in my chest. Oh, it's gone. There it is again!
Frasier: Niles, that might be the vibrating of your cellular phone.

Niles: What did you say? No, I've just never heard you use those words before! Well, you're welcome!

Brandy (talking about having sex with her boyfriend): I've been vaccinated slower!

Niles: But a convention? You've never shown any interest before!
Frasier: It's never been in Aspen before.

Niles: Hundreds of radio psychiatrists all in the same location. One well timed avalanche and the dignity of the entire physciatrict profession could be restored.

Niles: I insult you, and you compliment me. Could the request of a favor be far behind?
Frasier: Damn, you are perceptive.
Niles: Oh, stop it!

Niles: Me, standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier, I couldn't begin to fill those big, floppy, red shoes of yours.

Frasier: I'm worried that a week of listening to a well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base!
Niles: It hasn't yet!

Bulldog: Hey, Dr. Doolittle. I heard your show. It didn't suck.
Niles: Dear Diary . . .

Bulldog: So how's it feel?
Niles: Like I'm walking away from my lamppost and counting the bills in my garter belt.

Daphne: I'm starting to think I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you!
Marty: Are you kidding? With Niles it'll only take two minutes!

Niles: Heavens! I need a clip and a buff!

Roz: This is Seattle. It rains 9 months out of the year. We take our indoor sports very seriously.
Niles: I know you always have.

Niles: 'You're a genious!' With the less common 'jay' spelling, but still, his point is well-taken.

Niles: And by the way, where do you think I got those ethics?
Marty: Oh, yeah, throw it back at me. That's real mature.

Frasier: I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

Frasier: Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

Frasier: That's perfect - Brian being a seismolgist, and you having so many faults.

Daphne: Wine, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Well, wouldn't you?

Martin: I can't talk now, Duke, I'm in the twilight zone!

Niles: So exactly how is that brandy getting here, by St. Bernard?

Niles: I'd like a petit filet mignon, very lean. Not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked, only just lightly seared on either side. Pink in the middle, not a true pink, but not a mauve either -- something in between. Bearing in mind, the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Niles: They were awful - those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day. The two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was thirteen before I realized that cows aren't blurry!

Niles: Last night I actually had a dream that my flour sack was abducted, and kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.

Niles: I tried it this morning with my dry cleaner, Mr. Kim. I decided to give him a good tongue-lashing because he shattered the mother-of-pearl buttons on my best waistcoat. Unfortunately, due to his tenuous grasp of English and the fact that his mother's name is 'Pearl', I was forced to flee his establishment amid a shower of coat hangers.

Niles: I'm the one on the Board of the Psychiatric Association. My research is well-respected in academic circles. Four of my patients have been elected to political office, but it's your big, fat face they put on the side of buses!

Niles: You're letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something other men can only dream about in their oxblood leather chairs with the lights out. ... If you had ever smelled her hair, you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel, and she is goddess, and she is waiting for you in the bathroom.

Niles: Oh no, Dad. Maris ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar. Oh, oh and I got these jeans, and I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joing a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight-training is the quickest route to 'buff'. Any thoughts?

Frasier: My son comes in in half an hour.
Niles: (Looking at his watch) He'll be in in twenty-two minutes if he picks up a good tail wind. ... Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into the Seattle airport. ... Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in their full upright and locked positions.

Marty: You two never learn ... . The restaurant you two bought together - that was a bad idea. The book you tried to write together - that was a bad idea. this (pauses) No, that restaurant was still the studpidest thing .. You've been like this since you were kids. You two can't work together.

Dr. Schacter: Give up. It's hopeless. You are pathologically mistrustful of each other, competitve to the point of madness.

Marty: But you never were very good at [making friends]. It was always you and Niles ever since you were kids.

Frasier (setting Niles up for the night on the couch when Maris has kicked him out): Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheet and a nice vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night.
Niles: How perfect!

Frasier: What say we go celebrate with anice dinner at an exclusive boite.
Niles: Yes, but the question remains - what boite?
Frasier: Cerise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillion?
Niles: Too crowded - a city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?

Niles: What does your stomach say about this? ... Ever since you were a child, if you even approached a breach of ethics, you'd get queasy. Actually, you'd get physically sick.
Frasier: At least, when it came to ethics, I didn't get spontaneous nose bleeds.
Niles: Remember the time we lifted that dollar bill from Mom's change purse? We left quite a gruesome trail to the treehouse that day.

Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
Frasier: Wouldn't miss it for the world, would you?
Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

Frasier goes to prepare the profiteroles.
Niles: I'll help. He always overpowders.
Martin: I'm sure Old Man Kennedy felt this kind of pride when his boys would go our and play touch football.

Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings at the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow after our Swedish massage.

Niles: You shut up!
Frasier: No, you shut up!

Niles: Oh! I know some good jokes!
Frasier: No, Niles, you don't!

Frasier: Thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
Niles: It's always about you, isn't it?

Niles: Answer me this. Can you tell me with any certainty that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets.
Frasier: At the moment I'm not sure there isn't intelligent life in this kitchen.

Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know (After accidently shooting the starter's pistol in Frasier's apartment.)
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Niles: (On Frasier's relationship with Kate) Added to which, if Frasier did pursue her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalize it by saying 'she doesn't know what she's missing'. She would know exactly what she's missing; she just didn't miss it.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles.

Frasier: I humiliated myself far more than you did today.
Niles: Obviously, you didn't see the way I was whoring after that T.V. camera.
Frasier: Obviously, you didn't see how I was tap dancing up there like an organ grinder's monkey.
Niles: Yes. Well, I might as well have been tarred and feathered.
Frasier: I might as well have been pilloried in the town square.
Niles: I might as well have been stripped naked and forced to march...
Frasier: Oh, stop it Niles! We're doing it again!

David Hyde Pierce: He's not heavy; he's my brother!

Niles: But perhaps the person you're really angry at is yourself. You never thanked Miss Warner for the contribution she made to your life.

Niles: It doesn't matter, Frasier. They've already looked up your skirt, and they've seen everything there is to see.

Niles: So, what your're saying is, you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around. Ask yourself, Frasier, have you tried to sit down and talk to him. I mean really talk to him.

Niles: You'd like to believe that we're the same devilish sprigs we always were, sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tams, listening to the Texaco Symphonic Hour, but the truth of the matter is -- you're middle-aged!

Niles: Perhaps your judgment was clouded by your desire to see old age not as a time of inevitable decline, but as a time when one's childhood passions and fantiasies can be reborn.

Niles: While dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. I knew then that dinner was not to be.

Niles: As we were leaving, Maris suddenly caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

Niles: She's on your bed asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Niles: Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude Directory Assistance Operator and it shattered her calm.

Niles: She stayed in the Mercedes practising her vivacious giggle.

Niles: The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidates' wives. Apparently Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crab meat into the poor woman's decolletage.

Niles: Like I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend the evening with a baseball player.

Frasier: Tuck in your watch fob.
Niles: It's a Phi Beta Kappa key.

Niles: I have excellent bladder control.

Niles: Oh fine! What will I do about my shy kidneys?

Niles: Just so you know, Frasier, I have exceptionally small kidneys.

Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition.

Niles: I remember my wedding day, standing at the altar, feeling faint, shaky, sweaty. Maris was so distraught thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how relieved she was to discover that it was just a congenital heart murmur that would plague me the rest of my life.

Niles: So there'll be no blaming mother today.

Niles: I'm just not someone who cries. It's not in my nature. When Maris' Uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.

Niles: I suddenly have this image of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks.

Niles: It's like running into a movie star you worshipped as a child. Only time has left her hair brittle, her eyes sunken and dull, her skin waxy and sallow.

Niles: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninofs, I was actually studying music.

Niles: I hope you're just yanking my giggle-chain.

Niles: When I told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing.

Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick - Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard.

Niles: Last night I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.

Niles: What a strange combination of odors! It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

Niles: Do these chocolate shavings look different to you? ... Well they do to me. I think that they've switiched to an inferior domestic brand. Mmm, mmm -- waxy!

Niles: I still remember him inviting us to his house for weenie roasts when we were kids.
Frasier: I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for a salad nicoise.

Niles: Wearing paper hats, singing 'Happy Birthday', sending back the Veal Prince Orloff.

Niles: After all that cooking, you must be absolutely strapless!

(When Martin, Niles and Frasier arrive home to find Daphne wrapped in a towel)
Daphne: Well, I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: No I haven't!

Niles and Daphne walk into the living room together apparently adjusting their clothing.
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl uner the bed to look for it while I ...
Frasier: "Y e e e ss?
Niles: ... searched the credenza!

Niles lets Daphne try on an emerald necklace he has purchased for Maris, but while he is undoing the clasp, he lets it drop down the front of her blouse.
Daphne: Can you see them?
Niles: Oh yes! Thank you!
(Frasier comes in during this encounter)
Frasier: Hello Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it.
Frasier: May I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment,no.
Daphne: It's down me blouse.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there!

Niles: I was hoping Daphne could take a look at this plant. I bought it for Maris, but it unaccountably turned against her. I thought Daphne was the perfect person to nurse it back to health wtih her soft sensual hands and her loving manner ... Daphne I had the fervent hope that you could coax it back to life. It's one of Maris' favourites.
Daphne: My goodness. What did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing. Just loved it.

Daphne: I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side. (Looking at the napkin that Niles is holding) Is that a little swan you just made?
Niles: No, it was a B-52.

Niles: (sniffing Daphne's perfume) Is that 'Forbidden'?
Frasier: In every sense of the word!

Niles: (trying to impress Daphne) I was in the middle of my workout, but I can always pump iron later.
Frasier: Pump iron! Niles, you don't even pump your own gas!

Daphne: I'm sorry. I was some place else. It was a warm and friendly place.

Niles and Frasier watch as Daphne orders "two pounds of the Kenya Blend" in the Cafe Nervosa.
Eric: Some people find that blend too intense.
Daphne: I like something that holds its body on my tongue.
Niles spills the cream all over the table.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, did you just sniff my hair?
Niles: Why would I do that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.

Daphne: You couldn't help noticing the way her ripe heaving bosom wuld brush your cheek when she reached for the metronome. (Niles stares at her hypnotized)

Niles: (To his father and Daphne) Ah, doing your exercises I see.
Daphne: (Speaking of Eddie) Yes and if someone doesn't let us get on with them, he's going to get a little spank on his fanny.
Niles: Don't let me ... unless you want to.

Niles: Can I be of any assistance in the kitchen?
Daphne: No, I have everything well in hand.
Niles: Lucky everything.

(A conversation between Daphne and the Cranes about medical examinations)
Daphne: See how you like waiting in that room sitting there all naked and helpless and goose-bumpy.
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was someplace else.
(The conversation continues)
Daphne: Unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gowns where your little bum peeks through the back.
Niles: I'm sorry. I must have drifted off again.

Daphne: A Bachelor Auction! I've always thought it would be fun to pick a man off the block to do my bidding, and fulfill my every desire.
Niles: I'd love to!

Daphne: (wearing a negligee of Maris' and in answer to Niles' question 'I thought that you were going to wear something warm from her wool collection.') But she's a lot smaller than me. This is all that would fit.
Niles: Oh, the things that tiny woman can do when she's properly motivated!

Tom (Frasier's boss): Wait a minute. This Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?"
Frasier: Well, the jury is still out on that one.

Frasier: Oh Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I think Maris is rather attractive in a minimalist kind of way.

Frasier: Maris is like the sun except without the warmth.

Niles: Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: Oh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Niles: You have free rein. Just remember that she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.

Niles: The poor thing can't produce saliva.

Niles: Her little quadriceps are so tight that she can't straddle anything larger than a border collie.

Niles: She hasn't had much hospital experience, just the usual chilhood things tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding ...

Niles: Yes Maris, I'm sure. No you can't gain weight from a glucose IV. No, my little worry-wart. There's no such thing as a nutra-sweet drip.

Frasier: Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Sadly no. She had a bad experience there (Orsini's Restaurant) one Christmas Eve. The Italian Soccer team was at the next table. Maris announced that she was in the mood for a goose, and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.

Niles: This time it's a good one. She's very upset about her manicurist. The woman's been doing Maris' nails for years now, and, sadly, she's just been taken critically ill."
Daphne: Oh dear. How bad is she?
Niles: Oh she'll be fine when she finds another manicurist. Until then she's curtailing all public appearances.

Martin: Hey, where did Maris go?
Father Mike: I believe Mrs. Crane is over there.
Niles: Where? Oh, bless her busy little heart. She's cornered Lydia Beaumont, Head of the Museum Board.
Martin: It looks like Lydia's getting away.
Niles: Oh yes., the old freshen the drink ploy. Poor Lydia had no idea with whom she's dealing! That's right, Maris. Chug-a-lug that sherry! On with the chase! Yes, there she goes. She's gaining. She's gaining. She's coming around the ice sculpture. It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, Mrs. Beaumont and Maris, and, yes, they meet again!

Niles: She's in Arizona for the week-end. Well, she said she was so shattered by the experience that she had to fly to her favorite spa to contemplate the future of our marriage from a mudbath.

Niles: Maris is the soul of generosity. Just last week she donated all of her old cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.

Niles: I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you use a skycap?
Niles: We did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her make-up case since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare lamb placenta. On the up side, the calfskin lining of her case had never been more soft and supple.

Niles: This aroma is triggering a sense memory, something familiar. Of course! Maris in her home-tanning bed.

Niles: She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

Niles: I'm just calculating our escape route in case of fire or urban unrest. Maris taught me that.

Niles (considering carrying around a flour sack to practise for fatherhood): Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.
Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar ... (reading from the label) Bleached 100% fat-free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

Niles: That's enough excitement for one evening. I'm going home to Maris.
Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you.
Niles: She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help.

Daphne: They locked her in?
Niles (describing the first time he met Maris, banging on the gates of her house): No. That was much later.

Daphne: If I may ask, why does she take the train instead of a plane?
Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear! Did her plane almost crash?
Niles: No. She was bumped from First Class.

Niles: Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of Cats. She couldn't remember the words to 'Memories'.

Niles: Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time just to scare them off, but, still, it is enchanting.

Frasier: Dad, you never liked Lilith.
Martin: She's weird!
Frasier: She's a little strange.
Martin: No, Maris is a little strange. Lilith is weird!
Niles: Gee whizz, Dad, I had no idea you preferred my wife to Frasier's!

Frasier: Maris lost again?
Niles: Yes. She wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room.

Niles: I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night (pauses, sips coffee) and that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Niles: So I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow, and got myself a room across the hall.

Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris?
Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.

Niles: We seem to have lapsed into a gray numbing blandness.

Roz: Oh come on, Frasier. Show some understanding. Maris uses her money to emasculate the poor guy and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood -- such as it was.

Frasier: On some twisted, bizarre level, it seems to work for them.

Daphne: You really love her. Don't you?
Niles: You know; I do. Love is a funny thing isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate, and sometimes it's something else, something comfortable and familiar -- that newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you from across the breakfast table, sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labour Day.

Niles: I feel terrible having her mad at me!

Niles: And as our hands touched, there was a sudden spark of electricity and the gates parted before us, and we took it as a sign. We were married just three short years later.

Lilith: Where's Maris?
Niles: She's in Chicago, visiting her sister.
Lilith: I thought perhaps she was sailling up the transplendent river of your love.

Niles: Maris is developing some sniffles, and I want to make sure that she is taking in enough liquids.
Lilith: Isn't it enough that she'd be eternally sipping from the font of your eternal love?

Niles: Maris means the world to me. Why just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

We're talking about a man who's satisfied Maris - something that's still on my 'to do' list.

Niles: Maris found a grey hair. ... She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was geting undressed.

Frasier: Niles, look, just sit down for a second all right.
Niles: Where, Frasier? Here in the chair that maris and I picked out on our Honeymoon in Vienna? Or here, here I sit Sunday mornings playing Mahler while Maris dabs at her water colours? Perhaps here, where we sipped champagne on our last anniversary? I guess that really was our last anniversary.

Niles: I had an epiphany. I realized cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying 'I love you'. She always uses money to get what she wants. Ergo, this is proof she wants me back.

Niles: Well - the jockeys if you must know. Diminuative, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding criops, it just reminded me too much of Maris.

Niles: This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole. She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts. Gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a molehill.

Martin: You know how she loves going to parties.
Niles: She never liked going anywhere alone - except to bed.

Niles: They showed me some overly demonstrative puppies. Then I heard a haughty little sniff from a cage in the corner and there she was. ...She's a bit high strung, but she's terribly well bred. When I tried to pet her, she'd have none of it.

Niles: Marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.

Frasier: No wonder. The King is stationary while the Queen has all the power.

Niles: Of course, it was that Fourteenth Century Bavarian Cathedral door so I had to get two of the servants to help me slam it, but what it lacked in spontaneity, it made up for in resonance.

Niles: She doesn't want to talk. She means 'get together' in the 'you wear the crème fraîche. I'll lick it off sense'. She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 -7:30. That means fourplay and cuddling.
Martin: Niles, remember when you were younger, your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis with you because it gave you nightmares? It's a two-way street.

Roz: Okay, Niles, now hang onto her every word.
Niles turns to woman
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles.
Woman: Hello, I'm Adelle.
Niles: Would that be Adelle with one L or two?
Woman: Two.
Niles: Really?!?

Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey . . .?
Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it.

Frasier (talking about Maris' 112 unpaid parking tickets): What do you expect from a woman who thinks a chocolate allergy entitles her to use a handicapped space?

Niles: Oh dear, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Well, not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

Frasier: . . . And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thanks for your call Jeanine. Whom do we have next, Roz?

Roz: This is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt? [To Sam] Do you need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Frasier: The two of you face-to-face - I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest have just lifted their heads, alerted to the scent.

Niles: How strange - I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town; dogs forming into packs; blood weeping from the walls.

Lilith: I'm here for a convention and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.

Frasier: She's not like the old Diane - convinced the whole world revolves around her. And I'm not the same Frasier. The last few days have drained me of all my old animositites. People do change, Dad.
Martin: You're right, they do. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said, "You're oud of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed inside the body of a dead horse. But the new Martin says 'Viva l'amour.' "
Frasier: The new Frasier resists the temptatin to correct your French.

Niles: At our wedding ceremony, while Maris was reading her vows that she herself wrote, words of love from the heart, I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith with her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.

Frasier: Dear God, shoppers are marauding through here like packs of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over to get to the escalator.
Niles: How about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to Mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.

Niles: Frasier, it's patently obvious what was turning you on. The gleaming jackboots, the dangling night stick, the glint of her handcuffs hanging from her belt . . . You were off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy.

Niles: Well, this has been kind of fun, but I must really run. I'm conducting a seminar for multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Niles: It always cheers me up when Frederick calls me Unlce Niles. Hold my hand, Uncle Niles? Read to me, Uncle Niles? Recommend a wine, Uncle Niles? They grow up so fast.

Frasier: How would you describe Niles, Dad?
Martin: I usually just change the subject.

Niles: What's it doing?
Frasier: Its flashing.
Niles: What's it doing now?
Frasier: Its beeping.
(Niles shoots Frasier with water)
Niles: I wonder what else it does.
Frasier: Lets see if it protects your head!
(Smacks him in the head.)

Frederick: Good night, Uncle Niles! I hope Maris comes out of her coma!

Niles: The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain!

Niles: I know, I know--shut up, you'll hurt his feelings.

Roz: Every year I go to my family reunion and answer all the same questions: No, I'm not married. Yes, I still have the tattoo. No, you can't see it.

Niles: Nothing says I'm sorry like an in-dash CD player and a driver's side airbag.

Frasier: What brings you to Seattle, the constant rain?

Niles: She's the devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far...

Niles: My brother is too kind. He was eminent when my eminence was only imminent

Niles: Wait, you forgot to pay the love toll--oops, too much, here's your change.

Frasier: Quick Niles, pull up the ladder!!! She's found our clubhouse!!!!!

Niles: I didn't know Mae West had any children.

Niles: It's Dad and he's brought Sophie Tucker.

Sherry: I always said that humor is the best medicine.
Niles: We must be in the placebo group.

Frasier (in response about Niles' imaginary friend, Sheldon): Ah, yes, that troubled little fellow who was always wetting your bed.

Shelly: You want my advice?
Niles: Well . . .

Frasier: Wow!
Marty: And Niles?
Niles: I see that 'wow' and raise you a zowie!

Shelly: For a hundred dollars, I could buy enough to drown myself in it!
Niles: I've got $60!

Frasier: You're a little weasel, aren't you?
Niles: A little weasel whose daddy loves him.

Marty: You have a problem with Sherry?
Niles: That delightful woman?

Frasier: I see you're still waiting on that spine donor.

Frasier; I'm sorry, Niles, I've been hogging the floor.

Marty: If we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say anything at all.
Niles: That should make for some quiet Thanksgivings, but that's okay with me.

Niles: A moment ago, I was bent over in pain. Now look at me! I'm running!

Frasier: Do you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?

Frasier: Well, fine. I will leave now, taking solace in the certain knowledge that in time you, Mrs. Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash heap of history!

Frasier: You know, this building has a grapevine that Earnest and Julio Gallo would envy.

Martin: Oh, hi there, Mrs. Langer.
Mrs. Langer: MS.
Martin: Oh, right. Msss . . . (as the elevator door closed) . . . serable old cow.

Niles: Life is so unfair - you get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eyeful of Dad.
Frasier: Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the yikes meter.

Niles: The soprano couldn't hit the E flat above high C to save her life. I got so fed up I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment, and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself.

Niles: Oh that's a fine idea! The Crane boys going to prison in matching outfits!

Niles: Frost me like a cake!

Roz: No good lies my ass!

Bulldog: . . . Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy. What? Hey I'm an artist, we live by different rules!

Daphne: . . . But it was nice having a sister.

Frasier: They used to call me Shorts-In-The-Shower-Boy. Well, you don't have to be witty to be cruel!

Frasier: Oh, come on! Somebody's marriage must be on the skids! Somebody's career must be going badly . . . besides mine. Hey, how about all you agoraphobics? I know you're not outside!

Marty: He's not even sniffing stuff!
Frasier: Welcome news to Mrs. Frobresher in 13B.

Daphne: Do you think a dog psychiatrist is the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is, what is the most asinine thing we can do?

Roz: I can't go out with a gynocologist! Do you know what they do all day?
Frasier: I have a general idea.

Frasier: We don't have time for your pointless tangents!

Frasier: Perhaps he's been detained by his 'Fear of Fetching' group.

Dr. Shaw: Hello, Eddie. I'm Dr. Shaw. I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad. Sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour finding out why you're sad.

Frasier: And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why.

Frasier: You must remind me to sit next to him at his next dinner party!
Niles: Well, be prepared, he'll be up and down checking on that meatloaf.

Marty: He said it'd be a good idea if we all had a happy tone while we were around Eddie.
Niles: So, please, tell us. Why do you want to kill yourself?

Roz: But maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me!
Niles: He wouldn't be the first . . . oh, I'm too depressed.

Frasier: I got him twelve tapes on the history of WWII.
Niles: I suppose you thought the original was fun, but too short?

Martin: What could be more fun than a little brother or sister?
Frasier: I fell for that once already, Dad.

Therapist: I'm due at the zoo because their's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile . . . See, I can make jokes, too.

Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say 'collegues' or 'collies'?

Niles: Mozart would tell me he was busy, but then I'd see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

Martin: It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris. Aside from the fact that she eats now and then, they'd be dead ringers.

Martin: Don't swallow draino or rat poison and if you're going to kill yourself with an ax, get it right the first time.

Niles: Well be prepared; he'll be up and down checking on that meat loaf.

Niles: I will call right now, wheres the phone?
Martin: It's in the bedroom.
Frasier: Of course, where else would it be! And dad's electric razor is in the kitchen. You see all our electrical appliences are on an adventure this weekend!

Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of bread crumbs before starting down that toast.

Frasier: . . . the minute I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right into my lap.
Niles: Well I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement because that's where she'll be seated on Friday night.

Niles: Will the McAlister sister's stand back to back? I'm short on bullets. [sound of balloons popping, imitating bullets] Thank you.

Girl: Look out! He's got a . . . nug!

Niles: I have the magnetism of Marlon Brando, the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Lawrence Olivier.

Frasier: If you can pull off the jaunty beret you wore to brunch on Sunday, you can pull off anything.

Niles: Bon Appetit . . . What a quick little study you are. You already know more French than my father.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, you're always thinking of me
Niles: You have no idea . . .

Frasier: What if Maris is out of pills?
Niles: (laughing hysterically) Thanks, Frasier--I needed that.

Niles: Remember the ad I placed. They have made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it.
Frasier: Niles Crane . . . Jung Specialist [It was supposed to be Young]
Niles: The rest they got perfectly. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me when it hurts.

Niles: Have you seen those pistachios? It's like I'm chewing gravel. It's a wonder I haven't died from them.
Frasier: Yes, your ability to thwart death has never ceased to amaze me.

Frasier: Fine. Just sit there on that couch, day after day, NOT living out your dream, until the day comes when we'll have to collect YOUR ashes and scatter them over that chair, where they'll probably go unnoticed.

Niles: Not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom!
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch!

Bulldog (on the phone to someone [on-air]): You're so stupid! You don't know squat! You know less than Squat! In fact, you and Squat could go to a movie and Squat could wear his "I'm with stupid" T-shirt!

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This version of my Frasier Quotes page was born on July 15, 2002
Last Update: July 15, 2002